Writing About Not Writing

Please clap for me

Photo by Art Lasovsky on Unsplash

There are four newsletters sitting in my Drafts folder.

I’m not sure that any of them will be published. One might be recycled and thrown into a future Ten Things post. One might be edited from “thinking thoughts” to “speaking thoughts”. One will likely be deleted entirely. And the last, I’m not even sure what to do with — I’ve changed my mind on the topic three times now and it’s not even relevant any more.

This newsletter almost joined them in my Drafts folder.

I am struggling to share my writing here again. Mostly because I don’t feel like I am able to get my words to work right now. Or they are the wrong-feel words or not-quite-right words or repetative-boring words.

In my household when I have a hard time getting a sentence out, I always say “sorry, words not wording, hold please” and everyone immediately understands. They give me space to figure it out or to communicate in grunts and hand gestures that get my point across. It’s a fucking relief and I feel lucky to be surrounded by people who get it.

But that’s hard to translate here? I can’t just kfeiwgafisedjfhg or uuuuuuughghhaaa. I mean I can, but no one would read a whole Substack of keysmashes. Or maybe you would.

This newsletter is not what I intended to write.

I actually opened my laptop to write about my writing process. But I reread my notes about my writing process and realized over half of it no longer applies because I’ve changed my process. Or rather my environment has changed so much since I wrote those notes.

I’m no longer in Michigan. I am on extended holiday for 2025, mostly split between Australia and Thailand. Holiday/vacation doesn’t feel exactly right to say for several reasons. But that’s another newsletter.

The point is, I am no longer in the Northern Hemisphere. I am having to adjust here in southern part of Australia and we are at the end of summer. Whew, is it summer. My creative cycle doesn’t do well in summer. Or rather, it follows an unidentifiable cycle that I can never quite grasp. And it’s rarely sustainable.

So now I have to figure out a new writing process. Which I’m not optimistic about.

This newsletter is already sending me into a spiral.

I don’t think I like anything that I just wrote. And the urge to delete it all is strong. But damn it, I wrote something. I want to share something. And I know if I don’t hit publish now, I never will.

Please clap for me that I hit publish.