Hello dear hearts
My thirty-third birthday is on Tuesday. I thought it would be fun to share with y’all what I have learned, remembered, pondered, and experienced in the last year. I’ll split this up in three parts as a little count down to my birthday.
Here are the first eleven.
1. Gender is so bizarre. My gender is fluid as fuck, super queer, non-existent at times, performative on purpose, a form of expression, heavily influenced and inspired by beloved characters/archetypes. It truly varies from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. And that doesn’t mean any of it is false or a lie.
2. My platonic soulmate and I once communicated solely via pins on Pinterest. For a whole year. Life was chaotic, we were both Going Through It, and that was the only way we could manage. Now we send each other Reels on IG, links to our daylist on Spotify via text, Facetime when she’s in the car, vent via Signal, at LEAST every other day. Get you a bestie who can make you cry in one app and laugh in a different app.
3. Making playlists is an art form.
4. Driving is simultaneous the most calming thing and the most anxiety inducing thing for me. The anxiety is usually when I have to drive other people or drive in unfamiliar places or in the rain/storm. The calming aspect is that on open roads with minimal traffic, I can relax and either drive in silence or blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs. Alas, I don’t get to choose which thing it will be until I get behind the wheel.
5. Listening to people info dump on their hyper-fixations and special interests is so enjoyable to me. Even if I have no context, even if I do not necessarily understand anything they are saying. To be able to witness the utter joy of people when they get to be listened to and hyped up and accepted is just glorious.
6. The reason I read five to six books at a time is because I’m a mood reader. And my mood changes depending on time of day. Some books are best read in silence over coffee with on interruptions, some books are easier to read on my phone curled up on the couch, some books are for my desk so I can take notes. Books for every mood and season and time, it works for me.
7. Matching pajama sets make me feel like I have my life together.
8. Holding multiple realities and truths at one time is hard. Especially when they seem contradictory, when they feel incompatible, when they are interpreted in bad faith. But it’s something I have been challenging myself to keep doing. Even when it hurts, even when it confuses me, even when people think the worst of me, even when I think the worst of me.
9. My therapist in 2015 was a laughter therapist. Yes, that is a real thing. I only got to have three sessions with him before insurance ran out. But I will never forget that one of my homework/challenges was to quit watching Law & Order: SVU and to watch Parks & Rec. Genuinely my most favorite therapist I ever had.
10. Two things that I deeply regret not being able to continue pursuing (because child of divorce): ballet and guitar lessons. I got a season of each and picked up both so damn fast that my teachers for both commented on it. But my ballet classes moved from weekday to weekend and I would miss every other class so was not able to stay. My guitar lessons were through the youth church I attended, but when I moved in with my dad, he never found me lessons.
11. I really miss having red hair and wish it weren’t such a pain to dye myself.
Whew, some of those got a little deep. Thank you celebrating with me by reading these.
x
Ash
Happy early Birthday, Ashley!
I'm so pumped that there are three of these 🎉🖤