Summer is Coming

And I'm not a fan, y'all

Photo by Christina Deravedisian on Unsplash

Hello dear hearts

I have tried so damn hard to write another letter here recently, but nothing was working.

I go back and forth on how I want to write these. Do write them when the mood strikes and schedule for Sunday or do I sit down Sunday morning and write whatever comes to mind and send it immediately? I have tried both things and neither feel right.

But today, I’m going to write a list of things. They may or may not be related, they may or may not be applicable by the time you read this on Sunday (I am going to schedule this one), but hopefully it’s something interesting all the same.

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1. Mornings with toddlers are hard. Even if you have a routine, things can still throw it off. Will he be awake at 8 AM when I come upstairs or will he sleep in until 9:30 AM? Will I get to finish drinking my cup of coffee before he needs a diaper change or will he need one as soon as I sit down? Will he be in a chill “I can play by myself” mood or a full of Feelings and “Nothing is right, why aren’t you making this right yet”? *sigh*

2. Heightened senses/sensory overload is annoying. Especially because mine tend to be about smell and hearing. I can sometimes smell horrible smells from literal rooms away. I can sometimes hear people eating cereal or chips from a room away. The worst is when I can’t even stand hearing myself eat so I just don’t lolsob. #NeurospicyProblems

3. Therapy is weird. Because yeah, my therapist asks some good questions. But then that means I have to actually communicate those answer to other people and ask for things. Or set boundaries. Or cry about it before I figure out how to do those things.

4. Summer Seasonal Affective Disorder is a thing. And I forget it every fucking year. I like the Sun for about half an hour to an hour per day. And then it hurts, it’s too much. I hate being overly hot. Outside is where the bugs are, no thank you. I need overcast days. And on top of Summer SAD, June is a huge grief month for me. And adding Pride on top of the horrific state of the US right now for queer and trans folks. It’s a lot. And it feels like it just keep amping up. And I’m not ready.

5. I deactivated my Facebook last night and deleted the app from my phone. It is a lovely, freeing feeling. I got rid of Twitter a while ago (because of EM take over and rapidly unsafe practices going into motion there.) So now, Instagram and Discord are my primary socials. It’s possible I will need to take a summer break from IG as well, but unsure what would be a good time for that.

6. I keep telling myself “I just need to get through this week”. I’ve been saying this for several weeks now. And that’s not to say I don’t have good days or good moments, I do. And I understand I can’t be in a good mood all the time, that’s not realistic. It just feels like the good times are coming less and less.

7. Deleting text threads and emails are therapeutic for me. Even though sometimes I regret that I don’t “keep receipts”. But I also know that I keep things that are upsetting to me, I will just reread them and dwell on them and that is the worst when my mental health is already bad.

8. My next alarm for the day has just gone off. Yes, I have alarms. My ADHD brain cannot keep up with time. I have alarms to wake up, to make coffee, to eat snacks, to do certain chores. Otherwise I will forget.

9. I should also update my schedule on Google Calendar today. Need to adjust some times, schedule more time blocks in the coming week to get certain things done. Sometimes I really really need everything scheduled other wise my entire day gets away from me.

10. Okay, really. The alarm is going to go off again (I may have just snoozed it.)

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    Until next time,
    -A