Hello dear hearts
Please pretend it’s Sunday and that this letter reached you when it was supposed to.
My writing is just really getting away from me, as it faaaar away it doesn’t seem to want to come back and I just ramble and delete and try to sound like I’m making sense and then put it to the side. Both here in my Substack and in my fiction writing.
But that’s for another letter.
Now. Let’s also pretend that this is a nice thematic lead-in to today’s ten things list. Thank you.
Our power went out again on Friday, but luckily came back yesterday afternoon. New Trauma unlocked - anxiety from thinking the power will go out every time it snows or is windy. Not kidding or said in jest, unfortunately serious. Additionally, when the power goes out, my body now goes into “hibernation mode” - all the sleep, little food, enough water to hydrate. Today, I am drinking ginger ale and water, eating crackers, and trying not to eat all the hot food and make myself sick. It’s a struggle.
Six of Cups nostalgia and thinking of all my aunts, including my recently deceased aunt and my internet aunties and my aunts in Texas. And also thinking of my nieflings and what it means to be an auntie.
Thinking about how in romance novels AND real life, people talk about their previous lovers as “not important” or “nothing compared to Current Love” or “pale in comparison” when they find their One Person/Current Love. It drives me bonkers if I think about too long. Because my previous loves, flings, flirtations, crushes were still real and the feelings they invoked were still real, even if it’s a different kind of love now/then/comparatively. Those people still matter and don’t deserve to be talked about unimportant when they taught me the things about being with another person. Sigh. (And note before anyone says it: I’m not talking about abusive or toxic ex’s. I will not say how someone should talk about those who have harmed them.)
Might need to invest in those Loop earplugs finally. I don’t always want to listen to music, but need something to block out sounds.
I feel like I’m forgetting to do something, or that something is pending, or that I should be doing a certain thing. But I also am about 98% not true. Brains are weird. Also, it’s possible I am just trying to regulate my schedule after these fucking power outages that throw everything off.
Probably going to reread All for the Game soon. Because I miss hurting my own feelings.
Sometimes I get really mad when I realize how much queer history has been intentionally erased and scrapped from the public education system here in America. Well, to be honest, I get really mad when I think about the public education in general because if it’s not cis, het, white, America patriotism, Christian ideologies/values that supports capitalism, we don’t learn it. I hate it so much.
Debating taking a nap, but also debating just making more coffee.
My hips hurt, my legs hurt, my knees hurt. I really need to start exercising again. Or yoga. Or something. My muscles are just so mad at me. And my joints are too.
Should I chug this bottle of water?
I did in fact chug that bottle of water. And now it’s Monday and I’m drinking coffee and have a new bottle of water to chug. Thanks for time-traveling with me, even though I told you pretend it’s Sunday. It can be Monday now.
Until next time,
-Ash
I think I have unlocked the same power outage anxiety. Crying emoji goes here.