Insert Hozier Song Lyric Here

CW: mentions of dissociating as valid but frustrating coping skill

Hello dear hearts

I’m currently in the midst of my first coffee, it’s twenty past noon, and I’m wearing pajamas and one singular sock — for the foot that is sticking out of my blanket. I just need that visual to be in your head as you read the rest of this letter.

In six days, I have read fourteen books. And not little novellas, under 100 pages, but pretty substantial length novels. I do not say this to brag, but to show how very Not Great I’m doing.

You see, I forgot that reading is (for me) a form of dissociating*. But it looks like I’m doing fine, right? Because reading is good for you and reading is what I love, so it looks like I’m All Fine again. And sometimes that is true, but sometimes it’s not.

*I’m also a big believer in dissociating can be good for you, because it’s a fucking survival skill. So, there’s that.

Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash

I didn’t realize until two days ago, that’s what I was doing. I’ve tried very hard to not let myself think of the death of my aunt, the five weeks in Texas, the three winter storms since I’ve been back to Michigan, the anxiety spiral, etc. — instead, I’ve been in my mafia romance era (and re-read my sports mafia trilogy All for the Game that gives another kind of dissociating that happens when I read that).

So yeah, I’m not doing great. But next week I will be, or at least, I’ll have something that requires my attention, my focus, so that dissociating is not an option. I’m hoping it will be The Thing that pulls be out of this, and then will let me actually be able to shift focus to slightly “better” coping skills.

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I’m going to go warm up my lukewarm coffee, maybe put my other sock on, and then try to convince myself to do some writing. Other writing, this is obviously writing, but it’s different.

Or I might finally catch up on my Instagram, or finally start my three different book club books, or clean my camper.

It’s also very possible, I will just read another mafia romance and continue my dissociated reading.

Until next time,
-Ash